Hi there

Hi,

I thought my first post should maybe be a bit about me— but it seems anytime i really try to talk about myself I suddenly am the most plain girl who has ever lived.

I know that’s Unequivocally not true, quite the opposite actually— but I have this fear, a deep deep fear once people see enough of me, once I am fully seen, known, you’ll no longer like me, or find me as interesting…

I’ve sat for a week now trying to find it in me to write this first post; I am in fact physically writing this right now, at 12:55 am, lying on my couch while my daughter is asleep in my bed.

And I suppose that is really what i want this to feel like, be like. the inside of my journal, my brain.. I mean, isn’t that … the most raw, Unfiltered, messy parts of us come running around in circles for no one else to see but ourselves?

I spent the majority of the beginning of the year hiding. Between April and June i spent most days alone, stressed and stretched to my mental and physical limits. I was on my 6-10 rounds of different meds, med combos, dosages for what eventually led to an OCD/ADD diagnoses. I started the process in January— we switched around my doses again the week before last, because something still doesn’t feel quite right…

I guess that’s a good metaphor for me. I don’t like something, I turn inward, get so far deep in I can no longer wiggle my arms before I realize how far I’ve gone. If i want something bad enough, I won’t give up, because even if it ends up spiraling into something beyond anything I could have ever imagined or ends up the complete opposite of the beginning goal in sight— I have this deep knowing that the nagging, unrelentless voice/drive/OCD if you will, is leading me exactly where I need to be, and everything will somehow work out because, well, when has it not?

You know, I have only told a handful of people, most of whom I share DNA with, I’m even doing this… So, how ever you have found yourself here; I’m Kristian (Chris-chen), a 27 ½ year old mother to an Extraordinarily Radiant kindergartner, a tort & calico kitties, and my art business, Fatty Moon.

‍ ‍I hope something I’ve said has resonated, made you think, peaked your Curiosity, or just left you maybe wanting a little bit more.

More of what? Your guess is as good as mine.

From my couch, in my yellow journal @ 1:21 am,

Kristian

…as I am typing this into my laptop, i never really got around to saying much about me.. oops.